The most accurate word to describe 2019 for me would definitely be unexpected. I was overly excited for my senior year of high school to begin and everything that was coming along with it. I was going to Haiti on a Mission’s Trip to serve the people in need, Hawaii with all of my friends, Senior Prom, Graduation, and more. These experiences all seemed so spontaneous and I had loads of excitement for them, which quickly faded away after the death took over most of my thoughts and feelings. The hazy introduction of death above was referring to what I felt my family experienced in 2019, which was inflamed through acts of miscommunication.
Last year, my parents got divorced very abruptly, which is what I considered the death of my family. It has broken my heart and every time I think I’m over it, my mind is swiftly able to show me how much I am not. The divorce really converted me into an odd version of myself last year and revealed a side of me that I was unaware that I even had. This version of myself drastically affected my relationship with my mother, due to the way I communicated with her throughout the downfall. When I reflect upon the damage done to our relationship, I now find myself full of regret and recognize how my lack of rational communication created a large burden between the two of us.
The moment my mother told my siblings and I about the divorce was when the very long toll of negativity began. I felt like everything just continued to smack me in the face, over and over again. We had to move in with our family friends for the year and I shared a bed with my brother, while my mom and sister shared one on the other side of the room. Child Protective Services visits, to being speechless when my friends ask why my mom keeps crying during Church, to running out of excuses to tell my friends why they couldn’t come over, to awkward family events, to the worst year of holidays. To me, all of these things seemed like they were completely my mom’s fault at the time. My mind was wrapped around the idea that because she was the one who initiated the divorce, it was her who was splitting up our family. Everything that I felt was slapping me in the face and making things worse, I would take out on my mom. I never thought about what she was going through; I was so stuck on the idea that she was tearing up our family. I allowed everything that was going on to get the best of me and change who I was.
As time continued to pass, I started to realize the reckoning of my relationship with my mother. Everything I said to her, I pushed it to the absolute limit (being that there were of course things I just could not say because she was still my mother). The person I was becoming was not who I used to be. I relayed messages to my mom almost always in anger or negativity. I did not communicate with her the way a daughter should communicate with her mother. I told her a variety of things that I shouldn’t have. When she would bring attention to my poor attitude or behavior, I would get this fiery feeling throughout my body that led me to get so worked up in just a matter of seconds. I would shout at her, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”. She often would suggest for me to attend counseling and I would literally lose my mind, every time. I would emphasize to her that she was the only reason that I cried everyday and that she would never understand the amount of pain she was putting me through by splitting up our family. That is where I identify the failure on my part. Rather than supporting her in her rock-bottom stage, I made it a whole lot harder for her.
My actions, words, and overall presence reflected someone that she did not know, nor did I even know. I can pinpoint this as the area I failed because even after everything she had done for me up to that point, I left her hanging. My mom always worked hard to give my siblings and I a prime example of a role model. She pushed me to be the best possible version of myself in everything I endured and never failed to be one of my biggest supporters in my school work, sports career, times of adversity, and more. Still, I showed that I was incapable of reassuring her to know that everything was eventually going to fall into place after time. I wasn’t by her side to help get used to things, which I wish I could go back and change. I still ponder upon why I chose to approach the situation so poorly because the way I was acting was not an accurate reflection of my true self in any way.
As months went by, my mom and I stopped talking to each other for awhile. She was fed up with my behavior and entirely disappointed. I saw clearly what I had done, and did not do a single thing about it. I still saw it as her fault that I was so sad and angry every day. My sister was always on my mom’s side, so we also stopped getting along and eventually stopped talking to each other, as well. If we were to exchange words, whether in person or over text, the things I said did not show that I was ready to handle the situation maturely. I would call my sister names and say things like, “You’re going to be just like mom one day,” knowing that she would tell my mom exactly what I said. I continued to dig myself deeper and deeper, letting the roller coaster of emotions I was going through take over.
Time continued to pass and I began to see a very dim light in the dark tunnel I was in. Slowly but surely, the light began to get brighter and brighter as the days went by. The end of the tunnel did not hold my parents getting back together or a genie granting me three wishes, but it did hold a path with an opportunity to reconnect with my mom. Realizing that I would be off to college soon, the idea of entering the real world without her support did not seem winsome. I adjusted my actions, words, and eliminated the little things that brought negativity between us. These changes made a world of a difference. I was finally able to come to terms with myself that how I was treating her was not only immature, but extremely selfish. With that in mind, I wanted to show my mom that her eighteen years of parenting did not go to waste, nor was that the type of young lady I wanted to portray myself as.
If I had found a better way to communicate, I know things would have been better, because the way things actually played out could not have been any worse. Despite all that happened, my mom and I have rebuilt the healthy relationship we had before. Aside from my mom, my sister and I are also closer than ever. I am extremely lucky to have a mom, who values her love for her kids enough to forgive me after all of the ruckus I stirred up. With time, reflection, and lots of self growth, I recognized that my relationship with my mom should not be affected by a decision she made in respect for herself. She was still the same mom, and I still scratch my head at why I was so blinded from that.
What I did learn this past year was that words can immensely affect people. I know that the way I chose to communicate was a total failure. The situation itself was terrible enough, and I only made it worse by the way I reacted to it. When an individual is aching through rough times, support from the right people can definitely make a difference. From experience, I can confirm that feeling alone, through isolation and wrongfully criticizing loved ones is not the way to go. Everyday people are faced with decisions to make, and making the effort to really think before doing something is extremely important. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, however you choose to look at it, failure is inevitable. Luckily, we are given new opportunities every day to learn and grow. Like I said, the act of failing is bound to happen, so when it does, it is important to reflect on what could have been done or said differently to ensure the unwanted experience does not happen again.
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